Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
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me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Poetry is my passion
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage