Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

No selfies while hijacking a train.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.