Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?