Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Facebook marketplace is a different world

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”