[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Not messing around
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Would you wear it?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.