Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.