When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Mufasa: everything the light touches is our..
Simba: dad, can light actually touch something? Don’t you have to be solid to touch things? What is touching anyway? Dad what’s the different between looking and touching? Dad why does…
Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details
Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]