After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey