Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Lmfao
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.