@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

@abbycohenwl

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

@FatherWithTwins

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

@Matt_The_1st

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

@ImSoFrancis

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@WildeThingy

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

@pmann555

They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey………Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with diarrhea…

@RobbySlowik

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey