Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

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When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.


ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.


Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag


You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.


I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.


Mufasa: everything the light touches is our..

Simba: dad, can light actually touch something? Don’t you have to be solid to touch things? What is touching anyway? Dad what’s the different between looking and touching? Dad why does…


Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details

Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now

Guy :


hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-


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