Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

This is always good for a laugh.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it