Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds