Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.