Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
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It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
So we got a goldfish…
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.