Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz