Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
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doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
i think both sides are to blame here
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?