Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.