[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones