[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.