*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Stonehinge
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk