*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
The internet is magic sometimes.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013