Waking up has backfired on me so many times
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I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My sex drive has a dui
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography