Waking up has backfired on me so many times
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If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
#Caturday
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.