Waking up has backfired on me so many times
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Mornin
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
🎵 I can’t wait to
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.