Waking up has backfired on me so many times
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someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Happy Caturday!