Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

love it when they get my name right

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

☠️ ☠️

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

My plans: 2020:

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.