Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

me when I see my crush

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

hackers play passwordle

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Name another movie that mislead you?