Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?