Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.