Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.