[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
You Might Also Like
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
respect
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
me as a parent