[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
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Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
🍂🕷️🍂
