[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Happy Star Wars day!
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
No. YOU-buprofen.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.