Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

If my kids invented a drink.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this