Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Lassie, get help!

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD