Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan