Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

Who knew!