[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.