[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought