Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?