Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

Money is the root of all wealth

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.