Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

#damn

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books