Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
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Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
My kitchen overserved me.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon