Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

#StillHurts

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.