Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

I wish I could veto my bills.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

This is the one

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.