Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Who chose this font
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.