Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Okay me first
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!