Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.