Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
