Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I identify as an antique shop.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
bat life
Beware…..
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
This is so me 😂😂
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”