[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!