Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
A dad and his duck
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone