Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.