Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.