Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
🤔😂😂
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Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
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When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Morning all.
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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?