Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

my retirement plan is braless

The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

We all have our pet causes.

Appendi
Appendii
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Appendvi
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Appendviii
Appendix

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it