*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.