Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

best review i’ve ever seen

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.