waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Erm…
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.