Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

Thank you corporation very cool

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

“I FIXED IT!”

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex