Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?