waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
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Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Tony Hawk, age 6
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
My flabber has been gasted.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?