waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
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When your diet is finally over.
Cheers Twitter.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
problems i need
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
🏙👨🏼
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to