Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.