Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

The Punning Dead.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”