Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Good morning.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Twitter is the new flypaper.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”