Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My wife gives the best headache.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My whole life was a lie.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.