@iAmDelFreaky

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

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@jaibashman

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

@NikiWithIssues

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

@Pat_Bren

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

@FishySnowborder

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

@hipchkk

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@OrdinaryAlso

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

@Daddyissues__

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.