shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.