Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

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shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”


Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.


It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.



Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”


The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.


I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.


Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.


You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.


Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.


Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.