Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.