Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Most fashion shows these days…
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.