Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.