Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.