Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

He died doing what he loved: being alive

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

LMAO.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears