[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
You Might Also Like
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards