Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I disagree with my politics
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
When libraries troll their patrons.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
😭😭😭
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Support your local cemetery
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.