Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there