“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.
“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
why am I eating & cr
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.