@SkinnerSteven

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

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@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@Rachelnoise

Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator.

“18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me.”

@steveffootball

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

@azianqueenbee

You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.

@molly7anne

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

@hellolanemoore

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr