Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

huge if true: the moon

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.