Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.