Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

My good tweets are in my other pants.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too