Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me